That Which Makes Us Real

"...There were other things in the stocking, nuts and oranges and a toy engine. The boy loved him, but then Aunts and Uncles came to dinner and in all of the excitement - the Rabbit was forgotten.....The Rabbit could not claim to be a model of anything. He thought all rabbits were stuffed with sawdust like himself, and he understood that sawdust was quite out-of-date and should never be mentioned in modern circles. The only friend he had was the wise Skin Horse...." "What is Real?" the Rabbit asked one day. "Does it mean you have things buzzing around inside of you?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse, "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with you, but really loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

     Maybe for some being entitled the 'real mother' keeps them feeling safe. For others maybe they feel a sense of validation from being called the ‘real mother’. Personally, I believe that the word "Real" should be removed from the adoption-related dictionary. Why? An Adoptee friend wisely said: "Because it takes from one and gives to another."

     If the Adoptive Mother is the real mother, then what does that make the Birthmother? What does that say about all the sacrifices that she has made? Was it all in vain?

     If the Birthmother is the real mother, then what does that make the Adoptive Mother? What does that say about all the sacrifices that she has made? Was it all in vain?

Birthmother: "How dare anyone say I am not a real mother just because I don't parent my child! For it was I who brought him/her into this world and sacrificed for his/her gain."

Adoptive Mother: "How dare anyone say I am not a real mother just because I didn't give birth to my child! For it was I who molded her/his life and gave him/her direction."

"Does becoming Real happen all at once?" the Rabbit asked, "Or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes time. That's why it doesn't happen often to those who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been worn off and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints - But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to those who don't understand." the Skin Horse said.

"Once you are Real, you can't become unreal again - it last forever."

     We have all stumbled upon the websites, newsletters, or support lists--ran by an Adoptive Parent or a Birthmother–titled "Real Mothers". When finding such places I find myself thinking, "What does that make me?"

     What does that make a Birthmother? Are we unreal? Am I to be placed in the same category as the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny? Will I find my story in a classic children's book such as 'The Velveteen Rabbit'?

     No, I am flesh and blood. I am not the figment of one's imagination. I am not to be brought out during the holiday season and then admired for my choice--from a safe distance, of course. I am not an idea to be out grown once my child reaches a certain age or maturity. I am not my child's "Aunt" or "friend of the family" --I am her Birthmother.

     My daughter's mother, Beth, is not a baby-sitter. She is not covering for me until I get back, or on my feet. She is not a substitute. She is not second rate to me. Beth is flesh and blood as well.

    I am Real, and so is my daughter's adoptive mother. We are Real.

One evening, the Rabbit saw two creatures creep near him. They looked like rabbits, but they had legs and they moved. "Come play with us," said one rabbit. " He isn't a Rabbit," the other said. "He isn't real!"

" I am too real!" said the little Rabbit, who began to cry.

How many times have you felt like the little Rabbit? There are days when the world drives you to scream, "I am too Real!" In Matthew 7:25 it says, "whoever builds his house upon the rock, when the storms come, it will not collapse. But whoever builds his house upon the sand, when the storms come, it will fall with a mighty crash."

Notice the verse said "when" the storms come, not "if".

     If you know who you are and if you are secure in your important role in your child's life--who can take that away from you? However, if you are unsure of who you are as a mother and if you are insecure of your role in your child's life--you are almost giving it away. The incomparable Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

     Stand your ground. Refuse to feel less of a mother because your child did not grow in your womb. Your child was the whispered prayer of your heart, and in your heart he grew. There are those who will ask you, "Do you have contact with the real mother?" Remember, it is not the act of giving birth to our children that makes us mothers; but the act of love for our children.

     Dismiss those who mock you for being a Birthmother–those who claim, "...a real mother doesn’t put the word ‘birth’ before mother." Remember if it was not for those who have ‘birth’ before mother, others would not be able to call themselves ‘mother’ at all.

     With wisdom the Skin Horse said, "But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to those who don't understand."

     The story ends...

"...little Rabbit, don't you know who I am? I am the nursery magic Fairy," said the Fairy, "I take care of all the playthings that the children have loved. I come in and take the toys away and make them Real."

"Wasn't I real before?" asked the little Rabbit.

"You were to the boy...because he loved you." the Fairy replied...."

"...in the spring the boy went out to play in the woods behind the house. Two rabbits crept out from the bracken and peeped at him. One of the rabbits looked familiar, so that the boy thought to himself, "Why, he looks just like my old Bunny that was lost when I had scarlet fever!"

It really was his own Bunny who had come back to look at the child who loved him enough to make him Real."

     When a woman gives birth, does she then become a mother? When a woman signs adoption papers, does she then become a mother? Any woman can give birth or adopt. You do not instantly become a mother once you give birth to or adopt a child. You become a parent, yes, but not a mother. Changing soiled diapers does not make you a mother. Waking up at first morning's light can make you weary, but not a mother. I did not place my child for adoption because I couldn't change diapers or rise early for feedings.

     The words love and mother are verbs. They get their meaning from the action of our hearts and the evidence in our lives. Yes, it is the love we have for our children that make us Mothers, but it is the love our children have for us that makes us Real. That which makes us Real is ...

  Love. Even deeper still, the love we have for ourselves is what truly makes us Real.

Skye Hardwick © 2000 Do not use without Author's Permission

Velveteen Rabbit by Marjery Willams Bianco