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I Can't Sleep Author: Allison L. Woods
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I can’t sleep; you’re on my mind. What was life like before you came? What was life like before I became your birthmother? What was life like before we parted ways? I go into the bathroom and stare at the mirror. I don’t look the same. The face is still young, but aged somehow. Am I really grown up now? Am I really someone’s wife? My body has changed, my mind has changed. I have stretch marks from pregnancy, a scar from an IV. My hair is back to its original color, my clothes don’t fit from weight loss. I think differently now, always about everyone else’s needs. Wanting to cry at anyone’s pain. You’ve made me feel, you have awakened my soul. For how can a woman give birth and not feel something? Four years ago you were in my arms. Four years ago I kissed you for the last time. Four years ago I sat on my bedroom floor. Hugging my knees, clutching your blanket to my breast. Wanting to scream so loud, needing to cry. Needing to eat, wanting to sleep. Yet I could do nothing, nothing but stare into the dark. My arms ached for your presence, my chest hurt from heartache. But you were gone, it wasn’t fair. I did the right thing for you, so why does it hurt so badly? But I knew these feelings would come. I felt the pain long before you were born. I fought with myself for your future. I thought love would be enough. I thought I alone could be enough for you. I was wrong, you needed so much more. You needed a life far away from poverty and heartache. You deserved love, and security, and a father. I could only promise love. The hurt started when I realized I could not be your mother. How could a girl in highschool with no support give you everything you needed? I lost my father, I lost my security, and I lost myself. I could not bear to have you go through the same. But still my darling daughter, it hurts to the very chore of my soul. The lack of your presence will forever pain me. But I find joy in your smile, I find peace in your innocence. And I know you are where you belong. But four years later you are still on mind. And the ache is still in my heart. And I am forever changed. Being pregnant with you started gray hair, and gave me wrinkle on my forehead. Being pregnant with you taught me how to love. It gave me a sense of self, it gave me compassion. Now I love another as much as I love you. He is my husband, and my best friend. So now I sit on my bathroom floor, four years later. Wanting to sleep, but thinking of you, and watching my
dear husband dream. Copyright 2002 Allison L. Woods
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