My name is Niki and I am a Lifemother. My story begins when I was a 15 year old teenager and I became pregnant. I ran away from home on Halloween night in 1984. I ran into a friend from school and explained that I had nowhere to go and she informed me she was going to a party. I went to the party and had many drinks, I drank more than I ever had before. I was taken advantage of by two different men that night, I was to drunk to fight them off and they were to drunk to care that I was not a willing participant. I stayed away from my home for a week and when I got home my mother said to me “you are pregnant”. How she knew I guess you could say it was a mothers intuition. The next day she took me to a pregnancy clinic and I had a pregnancy test done. While I waited for the test results they showed me a video of aborted babies. My test result was positive. I was 15 and pregnant.

On the way home from the pregnancy clinic my Mom took us by our church so I could talk to my youth pastor. My youth pastor was an amazing person, he took me under his wing and helped me through the first part of my journey towards adoption. He spent many hours with me and kept my secret until I was ready to tell the youth group myself. He helped me realize that my life was not over just because I was a pregnant teenager.

My adopted father (he legally adopted me when I was four years old, my mother divorced my biological father when I was less than a year old) was very hateful towards me when he found out I was pregnant. His exact words to me were “You are a disgrace to this family”. Both of my parents told me that if I planned on keeping the baby I would have to find somewhere else to live. I was a sophomore in high school, where would I go? My pregnancy almost caused my parents to get divorced.

I finished the semester at my high school and then I transferred to a special school for pregnant girls. Some of the girls were pregnant and some of them had already had their babies. The school had a nursery so the teenage moms could finish school and still be close to their children. The youngest girl at the school was 12 years old. I met a girl there that like me was planning on adoption. The two of us became close friends and stuck together. We were outcasts at this school. How the other girls would say could you just throw your baby away. I watched the other girls with their babies and dreamed of a way to keep mine. I would hold babies in the nursery and imagined them as mine. I knew in my heart that I was to young to be a mother and that my child deserved much more than I could ever give to her.

When I was 24 weeks pregnant I had an ultrasound done. I was measuring big and they thought maybe twins. The ultrasound technician was very quite and said nothing to me or my Mom, we could tell that something was not right. I was sent home and told that my doctor would call me. My doctor was like a second Mother to me during my pregnancy she was a big support from the beginning to the end. When she called the house she asked if we had two phones in the house and could my Mom get on the other phone. She then told us that the baby had Hydrocephalus. This is a condition that causes fluid to build up in the ventricles of the brain causing the head to swell, most babies that have this also have Spinabiffida. We were speechless. I would be sent to the University of Colorado to see a neonatologist.

I called and scheduled an appointment with the neonatologist. I had to have many tests: Amniocentesis, Special ultrasound tests, lots of blood work and stress tests. The neonatologist had a plan, he said that they could do surgery on the baby before she was born. He said they had done this surgery on 5 babies. He explained that they would put me to sleep and then they would cut me open and make a small incision into the uterus and they would place a shunt inside her tiny little head. Of the five babies that they had performed this surgery on only 2 had survived. I had to make a decision and I had to make it fast. I said NO! I was scheduled for weekly ultrasounds to monitor the baby.

This major health problem made me question my decision for adoption. How could I place a baby up for adoption that had a serious medical condition. I wondered wouldn't she then always think that she was placed for adoption because she had a medical condition? I was dealing with issues that adults have a hard time with, the pressure was almost to much for me. It is at this time that God started to work a miracle. We had prayer chains from all over the United States praying for us. Each week that I went in for my ultrasounds the baby's head got smaller. The doctors could not explain what was happening, we could. God was healing my baby.

I was going through a Christian adoption agency, I wanted Christian parents for my baby girl. Before the medical problems I had already began to look at different profiles of potential parents. But when the agency found out that had Hydrocephalus they said I had to pick parents out that wanted a special needs baby.

At this time my Mom went to a women's bible retreat and she shared my story and asked that everyone would please pray that the baby would be healthy and that we would find wonderful parents for her. My Mom spoke with a woman there named Colleen and told her my story. Colleen never said anything to my Mom she just listened and prayed. When Colleen went home she told her husband I found our baby.

Amber was born on July 31, 1985 by c-section. She weighed 8lbs 10oz and she was born 100% healthy. She was the most beautiful baby in the whole world and she was also incredibly smart. God had healed my daughter, she had not even a trace of Hydrocephalus. I got very sick, I had an infection and it caused my incision to split wide open. I had to stay in the hospital for ten days. I really could have cared less that I was sick it allowed me to stay in the hospital and spend time with my precious daughter. When I said she was smart this is what I meant, the doctors at the hospital were very intrigued by this little girl. They did many tests on her and discovered that she was more like a 3 month old than an infant. She laughed out loud and smiled, she was very attentive and didn't sleep all of the time like most newborns. It was almost like she knew that these special moments with just the two of us were not going to last long. I spent my days holding her and my nights crying. They were the saddest tears I would ever cry. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I didn't really know what true love was until I held her in my arms. I didn't know it was possible to love someone that much.

The agency and I had been having problems to say the least. We had been updating them on the progress of my pregnancy and the miracle that was taking place. I had documented proof that she was being healed and yet this Christian agency did not believe. They told me that I would have to wait until the baby was born to find parents, I had already picked out a couple that wanted a special needs baby, but the agency said if she was born healthy then I would have to pick out different parents. I knew in my heart that the parents that I had picked out were the right couple. The agency ordered tests to be done on Amber, they needed to know her health status. They told me that she would have to go into foster care. They were unwilling to place her until the monitored her health for a while. I was becoming very angry, I wanted her placed not put in foster care. I threatened to leave the agency and take my Amber with me and find another agency. This process took several months. I was happy that they would finally place Amber I had only one request, I wanted to meet with Bob and Colleen. The agency said this is just not done. They didn't believe in open adoptions on any level. I explained to them that I needed to meet with the couple I simply could not base my decision off of paper. Bob and Colleen agreed we could meet. The agency set up strict rules to follow, we could only exchange first names, we could not talk about were we lived, I could not show them pictures, and I could not tell them my decision if I came to one at the time of the meeting. Okay, so we met, we loved each other I connected with them, especially Colleen. Colleen and I had so much in common it was really amazing. God put a peace in my heart I knew that Bob and Colleen were Amber's parents. I broke rules, I showed them pictures and I whispered to Colleen on the way out the door that she was Amber's mommy. I had asked only one thing from the adoptive parents, I wanted pictures and letters. I went to court and signed away my rights. I brought Amber home to my house on three separate occasions while she was in foster care, three different days. I needed to make sure that she was all right and I missed her more than words could explain.

Amber did not have Hydrocephalus, God had healed her of that, but she did have chronic asthma and was very sick the first three years of her life. Another answer to prayer, she was with a couple that had said they would except a special needs baby. When Amber was 15 months old I received a picture and two letters one from Colleen and one from Bob. They told me in these letters that they had decided that they would no longer be sending my pictures and letters. They thought this was in the best interest for their daughter they said. They promised me that when she was older and if she wanted to meet me that they would help her and support her in that decision. I struggled that first year, but I knew that I had pictures and letter coming. Those pictures and letters helped my heart, they allowed me to see that she was okay. When they cut off contact with me my heart broke all over again. I spent hours crying over the last 17 years, the not knowing what she looked like and how she was doing. I began to volunteer at an adoption agency, an agency that specialized in open adoptions. I would go to support groups and speak at schools about the choice of adoption vs. abortion. And it helped my heart heal a little bit each time. I watched in amazement as birthmoms placed their children in open adoptions and got to visit with their children.

On May 5, 2003, I received a phone call from the agency, they said that I had an email from my daughter. My daughter wanted to meet me. It was the happiest day of my life. She was not 18 yet but her parents held true to their promise that they had made to me years ago and they were in favor of her meeting me. She came to visit me in June and stayed with me for a month. We have had a wonderful reunion and our relationship is growing stronger by the day. She will be coming out to spend Thanksgiving with me, I am so excited! I am also a single parent to a thirteen year old daughter and she has had a wonderful time getting to know her half sister.  

Copyright © 2003 Nicole A.
 

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