Moving on vs. Moving forward

I've never liked the term "moving on" ...a term I've seen in reference to a birthmom's life after placement for all four years of my birth-motherhood. 'Move forward', however, is a term I've seen used more often, and it is a term I am comfortable with. I will offer you a peek into my mind, and why I dislike the first term, and like the latter.

'Moving on' seems like I'm leaving something behind. In terms of moving on with my life ...it seems as if I am leaving my daughter, and memories of her behind. I never want to do that, and yet, I do not wish to remain in the same place through the years. Moving on seems like what they told the birthmoms of the previous generations to do ...move on ...forget ...get over it. As any older birthmom will tell you; it's impossible. For over four years, in many ways, I've stayed in one spot since Emily's placement. Now, for the first time ..I feel the urgency and at the same time, the peace, to move forward. It almost seems like the natural thing for me to do.

So, I'm moving forward. I am not remaining in the same spot any longer, and I am not leaving anything behind ...I'm almost, taking it with me. I have a son that needs his mommy. I am needed by my daughter, but not in the same way or to the degree that my son needs me. He is my first priority. My motherhood to my son overrides my birth-motherhood to my daughter. In saying that, I don't love one more than the other ...just differently.

However, parts will always be "frozen" in time. I will always greive over the little baby I left in the arms of another in the hospital ...the one sleeping so softly who awoke to the face of another mother.

I'd like to think that when Emily is all grown up, and she looks back on my life, she wouldn't want to see me in the same place all of these years. I believe she'd want to see me having moved forward with my life ...with my family, career and dreams - always carrying her along with me for the ride inside of my heart and memories. Memories of what once was, and memories that are still in the making. Just as I've wanted nothing but the best for Emily ..I believe Emily would want nothing but the best for me; her first mother. And moving forward ..is the best thing for me.