My life experiences are as unique as I am.. And for all who know me--that is pretty unique! I am a 22 year old girl, who has had the awesome honor of leading an extrordinary life. Truly, God took an ordinary person like me, and led me to do a very extrordinary thing by his glory! I could take many examples of my life's experiences, and while they have all shaped and molded me into who I am today, only one really stands out above the rest. Yes-- there is the one single life experience that I have had that stands out above the rest. It was by this one great experience that I learned who I truly am inside! My experience as a LIFEMOTHER has truly made me the person that I am today.

I was on a routine visit to the Doctor when the startling news came. The Doctor told me I was pregnant. I laughed out loud because I thought the Doctor was joking. The look on his face clearly revealed that this was no joke, and immediately reality set in. I was 3 months pregnant, and the precautions that I took had failed. I walked out of the Doctor's office and cried. That was the day I experienced every single human emotion known to mankind. I was angry-- angry because I knew I was not prepared to give my child the life that she deserved to have. Instantly questions ran through my mind. Why couldn't I have my life together more to provide for my child? Confused-- how could God give me a child when I was yet a child myself, how could I be 3 months pregnant and not even know? Scared--where would I go from here? Little did I know that this single day of complete pain and sorrow would forever change me in ways I had never known. God took the hopelesness that I faced and he gave me a new hope..

My boyfriend, Andrew was the first person to know of my pregnancy. Andrew was so excited, and seemed to have all the answers to the plans we were going to have for our child. I remember feeling so confused. How on earth could he be so excited to have a child? We were young ourselves, and we weren't even married, nor had we been discussing marriage. The reality of how hard parenting would be had long hit me, but it seemed like such a fairy tale to Andrew. I remember smiling and trying to play along in his excitement, as Andrew talked of the plans we would make. From the very beginning, I had one interest in mind. Everything else had its many uncertainties, but I was certain of one thing. I was certain that from that day forth, I would set out to provide my child with the life that neither Andrew or I were prepared to give. And I would not let anything, or anyone deter me from accomplishing that. I would listen and obey God, and that would mean I might have to face betraying Andrew, and my family. I would begin my journey, and I would not stop until I reached my destination.

Adoption had always seemed like a swear word to me. Adoption was a subject I was ignorant in, and my thoughts and opinions were clearly evident in that. I thought of adoption as a careless young girl who was fleeing from responsibilty. As I read more on adoption, I realized that it takes a real woman to step out in faith, and in love to give her child the life that she is not prepared for. What an awesome gift I could give another who could only have a child because of a woman like me. I remember getting on my hands and knees and praying that the Lord help me find a family for my unborn child. It was truly God that placed the idea of adoption in my mind. And with the wisdom he provided me with, my ignorance began to vanish.

The research began. I spent countless hours researching open adoption. I knew I could not live my life never knowing how or where my child was. I knew I wanted my child to be a part of a two- parent, stable- Christian family. The search was on, and I wouldn't stop until I found what I was looking for. I read through parent profiles after parent profiles. I talked on the phone with couples, and corresponded through e-mail. I would get so excited thinking I had found a family, then something would hold me back. I began to feel like an object, rather than a human being. Prospective parents began asking such questions as what I looked like, what the father looked like, and many questions that set my personal feelings aside. I wasn't searching for a perfect couple with a mansion on a hill. I was looking for two loving people who honored and served the Lord. Two people who would understand the gift I would be giving them, and an appreciation for me, and my bravery. Months were going by, and I was scared. Would I ever find a family for my child, was adoption the option that God really wanted for my child and I's life, and why did I feel so guilty?

I was browsing through more parent profiles when Shannon and Terri's profile popped up on my screen. I read it, and then saw that they were from Maryland. I was from Idaho, and Maryland was too far for the open adoption that I had hoped would take place. So.. I clicked off their profile, and turned my computer off. Later that evening I turned on my computer, and Shannon and Terri's profile popped up on my computer as my screen saver. I would try to get rid of it, and it would keep coming back. I was growing more and more frustrated. So I went before the Lord in prayer, and I asked him to guide me as to what this meant. Many might call it a coincidence, but I see it as the Holy Spirit intervening. I spent the night in prayer, and the day after Thanksgiving-- I called Shannon and Terri. I spoke with Terri for over a hour, as I poured my heart out to her. I asked her many questions, and told her of the hopes I had in placing my child in a loving home. I felt Terri really cared for me, as she asked so much about me, Andrew, and my family. I felt like a human being. In this instance, I felt like a LIFEMOTHER, not a BIRTHMOTHER. I was considering Terri as a mother to my daughter, and she treated me with the highest respect. At last I seemed important, and the plan for my unborn child was the only plan that mattered. Terri and I hung up the phone, and agreed to furthering our correspondence through e-mail upon deciding the next step.

Our correspondence continued, and I began feeling a special bond with Terri and Shannon. They had adopted Taylor, who was now four. Terri asked me if I wanted to speak with Taylor's birthmother, so I would know how open they really were. The next step was for me to meet Shannon and Terri. Three weeks after the phone call I made, I was on the plane all by myself on a journey to Maryland. Destination--- meeting the new parents for my daughter.. I had told my family and friends what I was doing, but their ignorance and negativity was not supportive. By this time I had discussed adoption with Andrew, and he was angry. He felt betrayed, and felt as though I was telling him that he couldn't be a father. Andrew grew pretty much non-existent in my life, and I moved forward with my plans. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, and felt so abandoned by the man that I thought loved me, and supported me. It was time to get on the plane, and meet my new family. I knew what they all looked like from their parent profile, and I walked right up to them. They greeted me with hugs, and had a beautiful pink rose for me. It was an instant bond.. A bond that was created long before any of us met. We spent the next few days getting acquainted. I visited with their friends, attended their church, and met with their families. I seemed to fit right in, and by the second day I told Terri that she would be a mother soon. She began to cry, and thanked me.

By the end of my visit to Maryland, I was full of peace. Now I would go back to Idaho to spend Christmas with my family, and then I would return to Maryland to reunite with my family. I had decided that I wanted to have my daughter in Maryland because I wanted to make things easier for myself, and for Shannon and Terri. On the 27th of December, I flew back out to Maryland. Again- I was alone, and found my strength in the Lord! On January 8, 2003-- I gave life to my precious Angel, Kaley Hope. I held her in my arms, and at that moment I felt a love that I have never experienced. She was a healthy and beautiful baby, and I felt so blessed and honored. I immediately noticed how much she looked like me, and that she had her father's fingers and toes. I spent the next month in Maryland with Kaley, and her new parents. I took part in mothering Kaley right along with Terri. I sat in church on Sunday mornings with Kaley Hope in my arms, and I will never forget how truly blessed, and thankful I became. I knew and I know now that Kaley's life will be full of love, and she will be raised in the knowledge and truth of our Lord.

I called Andrew to tell him he was a father, and he began to sob. I told Andrew that the invitation to come and meet Kaley's new parents was open for him. Although I was still hurt by his lack of interest in me-- and our child during my pregnancy, I stepped out in love. I wanted my daughter to know that I set my feelings aside for her, and I gave her that chance to meet her father at the very beginning of her life. Andrew flew out to meet Kaley Hope when she was 3 weeks old. Prayers were answered, and he chose to take part in our daughter's life, and in this openess that each of us embraced. I saw the love in Andrew's eyes that he had for our daughter, and it gave my heart peace.

Now I am back in Idaho, and Kaley turned 2 months on the 8th of March. I came home to a rude awakening. I wanted to share with everyone the love and peace I have in my heart. It seems no one understands how I could be so happy, while my daughter is 3,000 miles away. I prayed those prayers for my daughter's life, and the Lord answered me by his power. How could I take that back? While I have faced every single emotion since my departure from my daughter, I do not ever experience regret. Those were my prayers, and Terri and Shannon's prayers. Those prayers are now answered.

My experience as a LIFEMOTHER hasn't been easy, nor does it continue to be easy. What it has been is worth it! I know that every single day I awake, I ask the Lord to make me a faithful and obedient servant. And I never knew the amount of strength, or love that I was capable of, until I placed my daughter in our new families hearts. I am honored to give the gift of life, and watch Kaley grow into the hearts of her new family. I often sit and ponder about the single most unselfish act of love a person can give. While I can think of many, only one really demonstrates what it takes to step out into faith, and into love. To me, giving a child by adoption, and being a LIFEMOTHER is that single most unselfish act of love. I am a LIFEMOTHER who didn't give my child up-- I gave her better. I gave her what I wasn't prepared to give her because I loved her enough to place her life before the wants of my own. I wanted my daughter. I am a wonderful mother. I could be a wonderful mother, but I can not provide the life my daughter deserves. And it was not an easy thing to admit to myself that there were two people out there who could provide what I could not.

My love for my daughter is my love. It cannot be replaced, nor did I replace that love in making the decision that I did. Having gone through this experience has blessed me and enriched me in ways I cannot explain. It is my life's mission to share and care with everyone I meet. I know I have not lived through this experience to not share with others, and be of help to those I meet. This was the single hardest experience I have ever been through, and ever will go through. Yet-- it was through this experience that I learned who I was. I am a mother, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I am a giver, and I am a faithful and obedient servant. Where the Lord calls me-- I will go.. Where the Lord called me-- I went! And I traveled on a plane clear across the United States to step out in faith, and choose life for my unborn child. The life she will live is the life I prayed for. I do not believe everything happens for a reason. What I believe goes much further than that. I believe every circumstance in our lives is an opportunity to turn it around for the glory of the Lord. That is when, and only when it becomes an experience! Thank you Lord for this experience!! And thank you Lord for showing me who I am because of who you are in me!!