Considering the adoption option for your unborn baby can leave many who are expecting confused, and left with unanswered questions. I’ve compiled a list of considerations for those who are considering adoption for their child. A list of things I wish I had known when I was looking at adoption, but the adoption agency never informed me. Maybe because they didn’t have an answer, maybe they didn’t want me to change my mind, or maybe they were uncomfortable tackling the tough questions. Hopefully, you will find your question(s) in the list below – tough topics too. If not, feel free to email me personally and I will try to answer your question, or point in the direction of someone who can (not someone affiliated with an adoption agency.)

1.) This first one may sound so obvious that it is often overlooked: is the adoption choice absolutely necessary? Check out all your options. Make a pros and cons list. Find a safe person (who can be as unbiased as possible) to bounce your ideas/comments/fears off of. Talk to those touched by adoption. Talk to mom's who are parenting. Ask yourself if adoption is truly necessary for your child and you (and your partner) and be prepared to face the answers. All too often, adoption is a forever solution to a very temporary sitation. It is a choice that has a deep and powerful impact on the rest of your life and every relationship you will have (future husband, future children, family, friends, etc). The adoption choice will also have a deep and powerful impact on your child. Talk to adoptees, see what they say about being adopted. Hear them out, they know what it's like to be separated from their first families and growing up adopted. Remember, parenting is an option - there is help for you and your baby.

2.) Do not buy into the hype that openness in an adoption will make the separation between you and your child hurt less. Many agencies either openly preach, or quietly imply, that having an open adoption will be like a "band-aid" for the wound of relinquishment. This is not true. I know first hand; my adoption has been very open since day one - all promises kept, and I adore the people my daughter's parents are. Still, I know great pain. Why? Because it's the separation of our children that causes the hurt ...no matter how open, you still are not "Mommy" to your child, and that is something to grieve. Being birthmom is special, but it is nothing like being Mommy.

3.) I highly recommend choosing a family that will let you meet their extended family. At least ask the potential adoptive parents how their extended family feels about them adopting, and especially, about open adoption. Some hopeful adoptive parents pay no mind to the open adoption critics in their family before the baby comes into their lives, but it becomes much more difficult to do so after the baby arrives, and it a reality. Even if it is on neutral ground, such as a restaurant or park–meet them. Let them see that you are a real person, and that you are not to be feared.

Also, consider asking the potential adoptive parent’s siblings or family members (without hopeful adoptive parents present) if they thought they would keep their promises, as well as, how would the family member would feel about them breaking their commitment to openness.

4.) Choose someone who not only agrees to an open adoption, but will also try to back out a match with a potential birthmother or try to talk a potential birthmother out of a more closed adoption it if she were to start talking closed adoption. I do not advocate "testing" the adoptive couple, however, you want someone who is just as committed to openness as you. I know of an adoptive couple who turned down a potential birthmother just because she wanted a more closed adoption. This couple researched and they knew that openness was best for all involved, especially the child. Beware of those who will promise you the moon and stars just so that they can be chosen to adopt your baby.

5.) Have them sign a paper agreeing to some type of ongoing contact with their minister, preist, or whoever they respect in their religious community at the signing. Have the minister sign a paper as well agreeing to be an intermediary if they ever try to back out of the agreement or "close the adoption". Not all potential adoptive couples will partake in this, however, that may be a sign to you to keep looking. Keep in mind, this will not be legally binding! Think of it as a ‘contract of the heart’.

You may want to consider exchaning SSN #'s, driver's license numbers, and names of places of employment as well. Again, there will be prospective adoptive couples that will not feel comfortable with this exchange of information. Remember, though, what they are asking of you -- your child. Also, if you drop out of the picture in the future, they will be able to contact you as well.

6.) Get counseling from a non-involved counselor one not connected with an adoption agency. You do not want to be counseled by anyone that will receive money when you sign termination papers. I cannot stress this enough. Counselors at an adoption agency are biased, no matter how well-intentioned they may be–they still have plenty to gain if you do relinquish. Instead, talk with a peer counselor, a trusted pastor, crisis pregnancy counselor, college counselor, etc. As with all advice, take what you can use, then leave the rest. Remember, you are the one who will be living with the choice before you; not the counselors. In the end, it is your choice.

7.) Do not take any monetary compensation for yourself from the potential adoptive family, like living expenses, if you can possibly avoid it during the pregnancy (other than doctors fees etc for the pregnancy) You don't want to feel any pressure that you "owe" anyone anything if you change your mind.

Many birthparents talk of those few days in the hospital when deciding if adoption was truly the choice they needed to make. Each act of kindness, gift, moments of bonding with the adoptive parents, run through the (then potential) birthparent’s mind. Some speak of feeling guilty for even considering parenting their own child, because during their pregnancy the potential adoptive parents and they bonded so well. With monetary compensations the guilt feelings may be more intense. Avoid unnecessary guilt feelings by not accepting monetary compensation from potential adoptive parents. If in a financial crisis, there are many agencies that are there to help you. Talk with your local Job and Family Services Department.

8.) Take full advantage of the counseling offered to you post placement. You will not regret the chance to speak openly with someone you trust about your choice. Some birthparents think they are "okay" and can handle post-relinquishment – then a year later they are regretful of the opportunity they missed. Support groups are also a wonderful resource. Make sure you find a group in which you "grow" as a person, and not remaining stagnant.

9.) You have the right to confidentiality, you don't have to inform anyone in the medical profession that you are making an adoption plan (some women have said they were treated badly by staff because of their choice) After the child is born is plenty of time to tell your nurse you are placing the child/children for adoption, and only then if you want to tell them. It is none of their business actually. If you do choose to tell someone, you have the legal right to privacy and the entire hospital staff doesn't hear about it.

This is something you may want to consider. Although I was not treated badly by the hospital staff when I gave birth to my daughter (that I know of), if I had to do it over again, I would opt to have this very personal information private. Which leads me to another suggestion...

If possible for you, and if you feel this is something you’d consider ...instead of handing your child to the potential adoptive parents at the hospital, and then leaving separately, I suggest meeting elsewhere and then placing the child with them. Maybe your local church, your home (or a nearby family member/friend’s home), or even the adoption agency. Potential adoptive parents should have no problem loaning the carseat to you so that you can transport the baby to the location you’ve all agreed upon.

I cannot put into words what leaving the hospital without my daughter was like. Sure, no matter which location you choose, there will be immense pain. However, I was not told beforehand that I would have to be wheeled out of the hospital by policy. With a red, tear-streaked face, and terribly empty arms, I was wheeled out of the hospital and let out at the door. That is something I wish I could do over.

10.) Write out your reasons for choosing to place your child for adoption. Think about them. Is your choice based soley on your current circumstances? Remember, adoption is a forever solution to often a temporary situation. If you place only because you are young or unmarried -- keep in mind those things work themselves out as times passes. If you place only because you want your baby to have a two-parent home -- keep in mind that the national divorce rate is near 60% ...that number includes adoptive parents! Adoptive parents are not exempt to divorce, losing their jobs, falling out of love with their partners, passing away, etc. Think about this: if you intend to place your baby for adoption because you do not want him/her to be raised in a single-parent home, and then the adoptive parents get divorced -- how would you feel knowing that your child is being raised in a single-parent home; without you?

If you are going to make the choice to relinquish, make the choice from your heart, not your current circumstances.

11.) Adoption agencies are not always clear on what types of adoption is available. You may have heard of Closed, Semi-Open, and Open adoptions -- but what does that mean? Here is an informative article written by Birthmother and author, Courtney Frey, about the different types of open adoptions: Know Your Type. Another article by the same author, Choosing An Adoption Agency is a must read for potential birthparents as well.

12.) Know the laws in your state! Most adoption agencies and professionals will tell you whether or not open adoption is legally forceable in your state, however, go a step further -- if it is legal in your state, know exactly how and when it applies. In some states only in-family/kinship adoptions are legally forceable. Also, know the time period for your state in which you can legally revoke your consent for the adoption. Many states have a few weeks, some days. Do your research, because honestly, you are the one who has the most to lose or gain!

Do not depend on an agency or lawyer to spoonfeed you information - you must be proactive and do your own research. I would have never learned about true open adoption if I didn't do my own researh apart from the adoption agency. They were selling me semi-open adoption, not true open adoption built on relationships. Do your research.

Other points to ponder:

Remember ...You are not looking to complete an adoptive family’s life–you are looking to complete your child’s life. Look for couples who wish to adopt a child for the same reasons why you are looking to place your child; for the child’s best interest. A hopeful adoptive family are not entitled to your baby - until the papers are signed, you are the mother (or father).

Remember ...You are not a birthparent unless you’ve signed relinquishment papers terminating your parental rights to your child. Becoming a birthparent is not based on a choice alone - it is a legal process. Adoption agencies (and others) who call you a birthparent before the actual placement of your child are not accurate. What you are is an expecting mother (or father) considering adoption.

Becoming pregnant at an untimely time does not make you a birthmother. Considering adoption for your unborn baby (or already born child) does not make you a birthmother. Deciding while pregnant that you intend to place your child for adoption does not make you a birthmother. Giving birth does not make you a birthmother. However, signing relinquishment papers does make you a birthmother. Then and only then should you be referred to as such.

Remember ...Open adoption agreements are not, I repeat, they are not legally binding in most states. There are a handful of states that do allow open adoption agreements to be legally binding, but their policies vary from state to state. No matter how much a hopeful adoptive couple promises you pictures, visits, updates, calls, emails, letters ..the truth is, they have every legal (though not moral) right to not uphold a word spoken to you. Some adoptions agencies use openness as a way to "sell" the adoption choice to scared birthparents. These agencies are doing all involved a severe injustice by not (fully) informing the potential birthparents that openness will not be upheld by the law. Remember this as well, not all adoptive parents break promises -- sometimes it is the birthparents who break promises as well. For the child it is just as devestating if either side does not stick to their word. Birthmother and author, Heather Lowe, hits it home in her article, Broken Promises, "All parties need to understand that open adoption is a responsibility, not a privilege. Genuine open adoption is done for the sake of the child. It is not a favor to birthparents."

Remember ...this is your impending labor and delivery. Many potential birthparents chose to have the hopeful adoptive parents in the delivery room and it goes well. Then again, many regret having them there. Not because they dislike the adoptive parents, but it is such a special time for mother and child. I for one am glad that it was just my mom and I in the delivery room -- it was my time, my moment with my child. Something I will always have. We always see in the movies or on the new adoption reality shows the tear-jerking birthing scenes where the adoptive parents are in the room. Life isn't a reality series, it's reality. Don't be afriad to ask for privacy if that is what you want -- remember, you get the birth, but they will have the rest of the child's life. Cherish the time you have as mother and child!

Remember ...You do not "owe" anyone a child. Yes, it is heartbreaking to hear of the hopeful adoptive couples who have suffered many losses, or have been waiting many years – as sad as that is, it isn’t your responsibility to "fix" them, or "help" them, or even make them "happy" by giving them your child if that is not what you feel is 100% best. Again, you are looking to give them, the hopeful couple, as a gift to your child; not the other way around.

Remember ...if you choose adoption,(although you must make your choice anew after the birth of the baby), choose a hopeful adoptive family in the same town or at least the same state to make keeping in contact easy, but don't let distance keep you from choosing a family that just "jumps out at you". Remember, you may think that you would not want to see or live closer to your child while you or your wife/girlfriend are still pregnant, but once the baby arrives, things often change. An interstate adoption may have sounded fine months ago, but now that they baby is a reality, suddenly the distance may seem to grow overnight. I've known this to happen to many birthparents, the distance becomes too great after the adoption.

Remember ...newborn babies are not mindless and unaware -- don't believe anyone who tells you that your baby will not know he/she is no longer with you, his/her mother, if placed for adoption. Your baby had many months to hear your voice and heartbeat, as well as to konw your special scent. There is much research to now prove that babies know who their mothers are, and are not. To read more, The Mind of a Newborn.

Remember ...To be aware of hopeful adoptive couples who tend to make promises with their emotions. Emotions will be running high for all involved during those first meetings before the child’s birth. For many couples, this is a big step toward finally having a child to love, and therefore they may make promises in their excitement. Make sure you talk about those promises made before the baby is born and when things have settled down. I cannot stress enough – talk things out before the baby is born, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem. Just think, after the baby is born, it will most likely will be even more uncomfortable.

Remember ...After the baby is born, that close relationship you've built with the adoptive parents, will most likely change. While you are pregnant, all of the focus is on you. You may talk for hours on the phone with them, they may take you out to dinner, you may spend time looking at pictures of one another's families -- and then the baby arrives. Suddenly, the phone calls are less frequent. No more dinners out, and they are too busy tending to the baby. All of these things are not bad things (as long as promises are kept), but I do not think many potential birthparents realize that this may happen. Not only must they grieve their baby, but also that special relationship formed with the adoptive parents.

Remember ...There are other options. I am both a birthmother and a single mother. There are plenty of resources to help you raise your baby. For starters, pull out your phone book and look up 'Social Organizations'. There you will find organizations that may be able to help you. W.I.C. helps a pregnant mother, and those with children five and under with grocery products and forumla. If you qualify (which is rather easy) for Heathly Start, your child can receive free medical care up until age nineteen (check your state for exact rules). Crisis Pregnancy Centers help with clothing, maternity clothing, diapers, forumla, baby items such as car seats and cribs. Your local 'Job and Family Services' department can help or refer you to such helps as, the food card (no longer stamps), cash assistance, rent assistance, day care assistance. HEAP can help you with your utilities during the cold season. If you qualify, you can get a free education. Local churches are always willing to help out with baby clothing and items as well.

Check out Parenting Insights -- and the new site, Most Loving Option, a growing list of help for new parents from state to state. If you know of any help for parents in your state, please add the info to the list! They are glad to help you with anything you may need for your baby!

Remember ...To talk to people who have been there. There are positive stories; stories’ that reflect good choices and trust and respect between adoptive and/or birth families. On the other side, there are negative stories; stories’ that reflect wrong choices, or trust that was broken or lack of respect by adoptive and/or birth families. Hear out both sides. Do not tune out the more negative stories because they scare you. Part of being informed is knowing what is out there. Broken promises are out there, more than an adoption agency will tell you. Watch out for focusing on one type of story than the other. Balance is the key.

Remember ...Always, always, always leave room for openness. When you or your wife/girlfriend are pregnant the thought of visiting your child after placement may not sound like a good idea to you. Maybe pictures once a year sounds good to you. However, keep in mind that until the baby is born, and you’ve placed them with their potential adoptive parents, you do not know how you will feel. Ask any birthmother if she was prepared for birth-motherhood. Almost everyone of them will say no, she was not prepared. How can you be? My child is nearly five years old and I am still learning about birth-motherhood. My point, leave room for more openness down the road. If you do not wish for more contact, that is fine. However, I advise you not to tell the potential adoptive family, "Don’t worry, I will be wanting no contact (or no visits, or pictures on such and such a year, etc.)". Talk with the potential adoptive family, voice your thoughts, but also let them know and discuss more openness down the road.

Remember ...This is your choice! No one can nor should make this choice for you. Be informed, be empowered. This is not only your future, but your child’s. I know this is a tough choice at a tough time in your life, but you are in control until after the relinquishment papers are signed. Do not settle for second best. Do not chose a couple just because the agency you are at does not offer much. Go to another agency, speak to a lawyer, research on the internet. And remember, you can parent your baby - it is possible, I know that first-hand!

For more great information and links -- Don't forget to visit the 'Expecting' page on Lifemothers!

Copyright © 2003 Skye Hardwick - Do not use without Author’s permission

Thanks to Linda for your contribution!