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Broken Promises
Author: Heather Lowe |
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It happens every day. On the e-mail support groups where birthmothers go to seek a soft shoulder, ask for advice and trade photos of their children, the messages come in like clockwork. "Ladies, help. I don't understand what's going on. My
daughter's parents are cutting me out of their lives. While I was pregnant
they told me again and again how I would always be a part of her life.
They promised lots of pictures and twice-yearly visits. Well, the visits
haven't materialized and I haven't had pictures in ten months. What is
going on? Why did they lie to me? I would never have entrusted my daughter
to them if I had known this was how it was going to be. I need help
writing a letter to them, something non-threatening. God knows I don't
want to make the situation any worse or jeopardize my chances of future
contact. I just wish they could understand what it's like to wait by the
mailbox every day and find nothing. It's as if now I've provided them with
a baby, they don't want to know me any more. Am I really so disposable? I
don't want to interfere with their family. All I want is to hear some news
and get a photo of my daughter. Is that so hard?" Then comes a flood of replies from birthmothers who are
living with the very same situation. In all of these discussions, the word
that pops up over and over again is "betrayal." It isn't too strong a
word, for a woman who makes the most difficult decision of her life? To
entrust her precious child to others to raise,does so based on a set of
assumptions, promises made by the prospective parents. When she goes
through with this most agonizing of choices only to find that the
conditions under which she made her decision are no longer true, it truly
is a betrayal of the worst sort. Many women liken the pain as second only
to the initial loss of their child. Some have even committed suicide from
the grief. Not every adoptive relationship breaks down so badly. A
significant number of adoptive parents keep their word and maintain
contact even when the relationships get difficult. And there are also many
adoptive parents who made no promises before the birth but who belatedly
come to realize the value of birthfamily involvement in their child's
life. They then proceed to welcome birthparents in. But unfortunately,
these types of healthy relationships are still the minority. Part of the reason is that the balance of power shifts
after the adoption. Crass as it may seem to talk about babies in economic
terms, adoption today is governed by supply and demand. There are more
homes needing babies than babies needing homes. Hundreds of thousands of
hopeful adoptive parents are vying for a healthy baby, while a miniscule
portion of women in crisis pregnancies opt for adoption. As a result,
prospective parents must actively market themselves in hopes of finding a
match. Some take the marketing concept too far, saying and doing things
they aren't really comfortable with just to attract a pregnant woman. The
intent was never to follow through. So while the expectant mother was once in full control,
after the birth, roles reverse. The adoptive parents who so heavily
courted the expectant mother are now under no obligation to honor anything
they said, since open adoption agreements are by and large not legally
enforceable. Fewer than ten states have provisions for enforcing adoption
agreements, and their provisions vary widely. All other states have no
statutes of any kind. How can the tragedy of broken promises be averted? Ideally
this work should be done by the "professionals" arranging an adoption,
since most women in crisis pregnancies and most pre-adoptive parents don't
know the difference between a truly open adoption and a semi-open one.
Unfortunately, in today's adoption climate, this vital work is not being
done. Agencies and attorneys alike continue to spread the lie that 'open
adoption' means pictures and letters once a year. Pregnant women are never
told that open adoption is about relationships, and ongoing, reciprocal
contact between birth and adoptive families. Pre-adoptive parents aren't
provided with information that shows the benefits to the child of having a
lasting relationship with his or her birth family. Until the day when agencies are practicing truly open
adoptions, the burden will remain exactly where it shouldn't be: with the
expectant mother. A woman considering adoption must interview prospective
parents long and hard about their commitment to openness. She has to make
sure the couples she's considering "get it" by assessing whether they
truly desire an open adoption relationship or are merely willing to
participate. In her research on open adoption, Harriet Gross classifies
adoptive parents into three categories: Rejectors (those who deny
birthfamily and reject any contact), Acceptors (those who will put up with
birthfamily contact in order to obtain a child), and Embracers (those who
understand the value of their child having access to his or her roots, and
who actively welcome a two-way relationship with the birthfamily). There
is a world of difference between Rejectors, Acceptors and Embracers. While
being "accepted" might sound good, but it's actually the most dangerous
situation, since those are the very people who will turn the minute they
feel 'safe' to do so. To some, the idea of such an about-face is not that big a
deal. "Things change," this line of reasoning goes. "Maybe
they decided it wasn't good for the child to have contact. Maybe they
wanted to move on with their lives.? While it's true that flexibility
and room for change has to be built into adoptive relationships, the basic
premise or foundation of that relationship is what holds everything
together, and should not be open for revision. A birthmother chooses
parents for her child based in large part on level of contact promised.
Reneging on that agreement isn't a mere parenting decision. It has
consequences for many others as well, including a birthmother's subsequent
children. Writes one woman, "When my birthdaughter was eight, her
parents terminated all contact and would not tell me why. (This
birthmother later learned that the problem was an abusive adoptive father
who eventually abandoned the family.) By this time I had been married for
some time and had another child who had been encouraged by the adoptive
family to know her sister. I contacted the agency that had promised me
lifetime counseling, but they washed their hands of the situation, saying
there was nothing they could do. The grief was like a death for me and
left my raised daughter utterly confused." This issue of subsequent children is one reason it's very
common for more contact after the placement than either party thought
they'd want beforehand. Siblings want and need to know each other, and the
adopted child as well as the raised child may wish to see each other
regardless of whether or not contact was initially discussed. Ethical
adoptive parents will be prepared to foster the relationship, while
Acceptors or Rejectors will probably hold to a rigid definition of what
was agreed to beforehand. When birthmothers gather to support each other through instances of dashed hopes and broken trust, their first instinct is to make excuses for the adoptive parents. "Maybe they're too busy to send pictures. Maybe I've said or done something wrong. Maybe they are afraid of me." However, excuses are just that, excuses. No adoptive parent should ever be "too busy" to uphold the promises made to their child's birthparent. Nor do they have any reason to fear losing their parenthood, which is unassailable by law. Most birthparents trip over themselves trying to show that they are not a threat, that they do not want to infringe on the adoptive parents' authority, and that they only want to remain a presence for the peace of mind of their child. In the end, there is no good reason for an adoptive parent not to honor their commitments. Another post to a birthmother support group: "I feel so exploited, used, and naive. I honestly
believed them. Why shouldn't I have? I just want to tell them that the
reason they have a beautiful child right now is because they promised me
phone calls, pictures, and letters. They have a child through deception.
How can they live with themselves?" In a situation like this a birthmother feels pain for
herself, but she also hurts for her child. She worries how the adoptive
parents' actions will affect her child. "What kind of lessons is this
teaching my child, that it's not necessary to keep your word?" " What will
he think of his adoptive parents when he finds out the truth?" "And
what will he think of me for choosing such people as parents?" Birthmother Alicia H. entrusted her son to adoptive
parents based on a close relationship developed during the course of her
pregnancy. Less than two months after his placement, the agreement had
already been violated. The second they got home they cut off the 1-800
number they had established for us during my pregnancy. They have refused
to acknowledge letters and packages we have sent. The only way we can
contact them is through the attorney that handled our adoption. Needless
to say, this is not what they promised, and definitely not what we
expected. It is the deepest hurt I think could ever be done to me. I
decided to go through with this because I cared about them, loved them,
and trusted them. It kills me to know that if I had gone through a decent
agency, I could see my son. Now, I can't even talk to his parents. I want
to tell them exactly what I think of them. But I know that I can't.
Assuming I ever hear from them again I'll have to suck up for the next 18
years, possibly longer, just to have access to information about my son.?
While betrayal by adoptive parents happens all too
frequently, it's important to note that the shoe can go on the other foot.
Though not too common, birthparents sometimes break adoptive parents trust
by promising to stay in contact and then dropping out of sight. This
usually happens when the birthparents have a poor sense of self-esteem or
do not understand their own importance to their child. All parties need
to understand that open adoption is a responsibility, not a privilege.
Genuine open adoption is done for the sake of the child. It is not a favor
to birthparents. Adoptive parents who need the birthparents to be there
for the child and cannot get their participation can be just as
grief-stricken as a cut-off birthparent. For any type of parent, it is
heartbreaking to see a child in need and not be able to help. The betrayal of a birthparent is a terrible thing in
itself, but it is not the worst part of the damage. The worst part is the
adoptive parents taking away something that belongs to the children? Their
heritage and the opportunity to know who and where they came from. It is
the child who should own all relationships to both kinds of families, not
the adoptive parents. Social worker and adoption expert Jim Gritter has
written an excellent covenant addressing this truth, one which is perfect
for use at entrustment ceremonies. Entitled 'Our Understanding of Open
Adoption,' the pact talks about the need for birth and adoptive parents to
work together for the good of the child. It states the belief that
relationships thrive in an atmosphere of honesty and mutual respect, and
ends with a pledge to, among other things, Center on the child and elevate his or her interest above our own. Be honest in all our interactions. Take the time to consider situations from the perspective of others. Protect the honor and reputation of the others in this relationship. Stay flexible and open to new possibilities. Be direct in the _expression of feelings. | ||