Beyond Selfless
Author: Skye Hardwick
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The other day while I was browsing through an adoption-related message forum, I caught a sentence written by a birthmother that intrigued me. She began by saying, "You don't hear too many birthmoms talk about this ..." and then she continued to say, "...but after the birth and placement of my child, I was relived to have back my old life and to go on to do the things I needed to do."
Birthmoms don't talk about this too often. Why? Well, many reasons ...depends on each birthmom. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that it has something to do with the "birthmothers are selfless" talk that we hear from adoption agencies, professionals, and some of society.
If you are a Birthmom, how many times have you heard "You are so selfless" by a social worker, a friend of the family, an adoptive parent, or someone else with whom you've shared your birth-motherhood with? Scroll through the various adoption-related message boards and forums and there you will see it over and over again, "Birthmothers are angels" "Birthmothers are heros" and of course, "Birthmothers are selfless". Well-intentioned phrases, I do not doubt, but those are all difficult titles to live up to.
Stay with me here. Personally, I do not care for the "selfless" rhetoric that I hear in the adoption community. Sure, it is nice on the ears, but when it comes down to it, was I really selfless in placing Emily? To be selfless in placing my daughter implies that I would have been selfish in keeping my daughter, right?
I have a son, as most of you know, and I have times in which I struggle as a single mother. If I would have placed him for adoption too, I do not doubt that he would be having a much better life than he does now. Well, if your definition of "better life" is the nicest clothes, the best preschool in town, the newest toys, organic foods, etc. Some may think that I am selfish for keeping my son, but am I? I believe, no, I am not selfish in parenting my son. Years downt he road he will not remember the toys, clothes, or preschool, he will remember me, and my love and dedication to him.
You see, it is dangerous to put such a label on our parenting choices: Selfless and Selfish. Can a woman really be selfish for desiring to parent the child who grew in their womb, and came through their body? Isn't it only natural for a woman to want to parent the child she bore? Yes, it is.
Many praise a woman considering adoption for her unborn baby, and call her selfless and brave, however, what happens once the baby is born and becomes a reality? What happens in the hosiptal when she wavers between parenting and placement? Does the word "selfless" ever pop up in her mind?
What of the birthmother who has relinquished her child years ago; what does she think when she is called selfless? In those moments when she is alone in her grief, when she craves nothing more than to feel the sweet breath of her child upon her neck--is she selfish for having those desires? How does she battle against the selfless talk when she knows deep down that given the chance again, she'd choose differently?
For me, I believe I placed my daughter in the spirit of selflessness, yes. However, when it is all said and done, I truly believe I was just being a good ...mother. When I hear comments that I am selfless for relinquishing my daughter, in the back of mind I think, "Wasn't I just being a good mother?"
After I had my daughter, and placed her in her new home, there was a bittersweet relief. I believed (at that time) that the hardest part was behind me and that I could now focus on my life. Of course I'd never forget my child, but I could now pick up where I had left off before I had become pregnant. I felt guilty, horribly guilty for my attempts at moving forward with my life; why? Somehow I believed that it would be selfish for me to move forward. Possibly somewhere along the way I believed that selfless people continue to be selfless for the duration. However, being only human underneath the thin skin of my birth-motherhood, I could only be brave for so long.
What is my point in all of this, you say (rather think)? Calling a birthmom "selfless", no matter how well-intentioned, is a set up for failure. She may be left wondering if she is horrible for the feelings of relief after the relinquishment and struggle with guilt in moving forward with her life. She may wrestle with the anger she is feeling over the adoption others are calling "selfless". She may even struggle parenting her next child because she's believed for so long that parenting means you are selfish if you cannot give your child "the best". For some, the best we can hope to give our children is another family; and for many others the best we can give our children is ourselves. Let's just leave the word "selfless" out of it, life's complicated enough.
Bottom line: As a Birthmother, I was not selfless, heroic, brave, angelic, or saint-like when I made the choice to place my daughter for adoption. I made the choice because at that given time in my life, I felt that was best for both my daughter and I. Even with the open adoption I have with her, I do not feel as if I am being selfless in my level of contact, but committed. I am not selfless, I am a mother. And to be a called mother, rather than selfless, is the best title I can hope to possess.
Copyright © 2003 Skye Hardwick - Do not use
[Note: Obviously, I cannot speak for each birthmother. Some may like being called selfless. When it is all said and done, I can only speak for myself and speak on the various observations I have made as an author, and as a birthmother]
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